In a Relationship? Don’t do these 3 things.

3 Things You Shouldn’t Do in A Healthy Relationship

The kisses, the hugs, the affection, the companionship, the love –  ahh yes, the love. These are just a few of the things people want out of a romantic relationship. Usually we all experience these blissful things in the newness of a getting to know someone and the start of a relationship hoping the butterflies last and the seemingly perfect bond they have never waivers.

Well I have a newsflash for you, life isn’t Disney and forever after’s aren’t quite the fairytales so many of us grew up watching. You’ve probably heard people say that relationships take work and they do. It takes effort, understanding, and a lot of compromise to successfully bring two people together in a shared partnership. We’re human and naturally a bit selfish, whether you like to think you are or not – trying to bring two slightly selfish people into a selfless relationship can be challenging, but when done right is worth it.

Whether you’re in a relationship or preparing for one while you’re in your singlehood, here are three common mistakes that you shouldn’t make and how to avoid them if you want relationship success.

LEAVE GOD OUT

Whether you’re in your season of singlehood, dating, courting, engaged or married, one guaranteed way to put your relationship on that struggle bus is to leave God out of it. Don’t stop praying, praising, meditating, worshiping God just because He’s blessed you with someone special in your life. Don’t take that blessing for granted and most importantly don’t forget to keep God at the center of it all.

When you’re able to take care of your spiritual growth as individuals and as a couple, it’s so much easier to be purposeful about making God a priority in your relationship. Colossians 1:17 says “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” So don’t think your relationship will be able to stay strong and stand the test of time if you’re not seeking God to hold it together. How you keep him at the center first starts with each of you as individuals.

You need to continue to have an individual relationship with God first. Pray together, attend bible study together, worship together and more. When you both are able to give God glory together, to learn his word, to develop a stronger faith that’s when obedience and diligence is reflected in your relationship. Your relationship will flourish, despite what storms you may face. If God is the spring of life in each of you and your relationship, then your relationship will have roots able to withstand whatever life may throw your way.

Colossians 1:17 says “He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” 

GIVE UP

Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs. It’s in those challenging moments that you need to provide support and a hopeful perspective for your partner. Realize that as you do this you may begin to feel stressed and overwhelmed too. Remember to take care of yourself while you’re showing support to your partner. You don’t have to be overly optimistic, but being able to stay confident and allowing your partner to lean on you for support will help your significant other see the light at the end of the tunnel and ease whatever turmoil they’re going through.

There’s a difference in being supportive when your partner is down and being an enabler, but that’s for a different post. When you uplift your partner, when you’re there for them no matter what, those moments of silence, just holding each other and offering words of support and affirmation can only help make the relationship better. To avoid the urge to give up, kill that selfish side.

Yes, I’m all about self-love, self-care, but you can’t be in a relationship if you want your partner to be your everything and provide you with a sense of happiness. What happens when they aren’t happy and can’t pour into you the way you’re used to? Take some time for yourself do something to reenergize you (workout, sleep, go to the spa, spend time with friends) so that you can pour back into them. When you are at your best, that’s when you are able to help your partner muster up the confidence to not give up giving them reassurance that they’ll get through this with you by their side.

HAVE EXPECTATIONS

One sure way to make a relationship go sour is to EXPECT things of your partner, especially when those expectations are unbelievably high – like to the point you yourself are incapable of achieving that goal. I believe that there is a difference between having expectations and having standards.  Expectations are the belief that someone should or will accomplish something. Whereas, standards are more so one’s morals, ethics or a quality of behavior.

What is the difference between these two you ask – well one is completely out of your control, while the other is not. I hold myself to a standard, a caliber of behavior, because I know who I am. I know my worth and what I deserve. The mistake people make in relationships is when they begin to place their expectations on another person’s standards. You can’t control the morals or behavior of someone else. You can’t change people.

Change has to be intrinsically motivated; they have to want to change for themselves. Can your standards help to influence that change? Of course! Is it possible to not compromise your own standards while helping your partner to raise their own standards – absolutely! However, your expectations of someone else have no authority over what that person will actually do. Think about it. When you set your expectations high and a person continues to miss the mark, who gets hurt? That’s right – you do!!! I’m not saying don’t have expectations of others. I’m saying that your serenity, your peace of mind, your happiness can’t depend on what someone else does.

You can’t change people.

To avoid being stressed about not being in control of other people, learn to raise your standards and then become more intentional with the type of people you allow in your life. Better quality relationships, more than likely, will have two people whose standards are aligned or are pretty darn close to being on the same level.

I believe that someone will willing want to be better and do better when they are in a relationship with someone who has similar values and morals. This goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones. In doing so, I’m sure you’ll find you’ll have more inner peace and you won’t find yourself constantly having to lower your expectations for someone else.

Stay clear of these to mistakes and watch how much healthier your relationship can become.